As much as I want to write and exposit, I just don't have words.
A heavy sadness is pressing in on me.
Sadness over the state of my life, mostly, and my seeming lack of control over it.
It should be so easy -- almost tangible, as if I could physically reach out and grasp my own fate.
And every choice would be clear.
But my fatal flaw is stasis -- I remain suspended in some sort of cocoon of my own making.
But inside, nothing is changing, and everything is changing -- constantly.
The different sides of me are at war with each other, with no progress to be had.
I'm not transforming into a beautiful butterfly.
I'm stuck in some larval form with no idea what I'm to do next.
So many options in my head; none seem right.
Shouldn't this metamorphosis be coming organically? Without my having to think twice?
I feel stillborn, half-developed, all fire in my heart but dead in my hands and brain.
And the only thing coming naturally to me is avoidance.
And I've grown weary of that game.